The joys of online writing

So I've decided that I need to write.

I have all of these thoughts in my head that need to come out, and writing them down with pencil and paper is sooo 1990. Plus, I have no tolerance for actually writing things out. All throughout school, I thought writing rough drafts were stupid. Why the hell would I do that when I can just start writing the real thing?

The topic of discussion for today with be "boyfriends." Specifically mine. (this will be the topic of many future posts as well, I promise that.)

So I've been going on 3 and a half months without seeing Fred. It was an imposed break by Fred. That he didn't even tell me about. He just kind of....decided.

The timing of the break in the relationship and the "break" is eerily similar to my last boyfriend. We officially ended our break, and our relationship on what was supposed to be our 2 year annivery. Me and Fred's 2 yr anniversay is coming up on November 8th, in just about a week. I'm just waiting for history to repeat itself.

So maybe a year and a half is all anyone can take of Becky?

I don't know, I don't know, something in me still thinks that the relationship could work. But that's what I thought last time too. But my then boyfriend had other thoughts. Fred probably does too.

I just wish I knew little things. Like if that picture of us is still on his desk at work. Or if the stuff I left at his place is still where I left it, or if it's shoved in a closet somewhere. Even if he still thinks of me.

I can honestly say that not a day goes by where I don't think about him. Even if it's briefly. More often than not, I lay awake in bed at night thinking about him. Is he okay? Does he miss me? Thinking that maybe he's thinking about me at the exact same time.

I feel like I'm in an endless game. I want to talk to him, I want to reach out to him. But I have to act like I don't care, and that my life is better without him. Or else I'll seem needy, or clingy, or something else. And he needs time. That's obvious. And I feel like if I love him, the least that I can give him is that. And I can't rush or push things, because that would just have a bad ending. But when is enough enough? Four months seems like plenty of time to me.

But there's no way in hell that I'd ever go back to things the way they were before the break. If he doesn't agree to change, then there's no way I'm going back. There was a total lack of respect in that relationship, and it needs to be there before I go back.

See how I have to counter some hopelessly sappy comment with "I don't really need" him comments?

I have my empowering moments too. "He's Just Not That Into You" has helped, I'm sure. I feel like I'm prepared for whatever is going to happen.

With my first boyfriend, during the break, I completely shifted who I was. I started to exercise. I had *never* exercised before then. Ever. I wanted to be Britney Spears, and I happily threw myself into that welcomed distraction. After the breakup up happened, sure it took a couple of months after that to get over, but I remember being so at peace with myself. It was such a great, wonderful feeling when I realized that I never needed him. I looked back and realized what I did wrong, and how I could fix it for future relationships. All that bullshit about the truth setting you free is actually true.

In the immortal words of Carrie Bradshow, "Women either have to get married, or learn something from the relationship." Right now, I'm searching for answers. Because things have to happen for a reason. They just have to.

But there's some things that I just can't get over. One of the last few nights I was with him, me and him were sitting alone in my parent's living room. And he gave me the look. You know the one. It's the look that a man gives you, and you know that he loves you. It's all in the eyes. I just can't comprehend that he could have still given me that look, when horrible things would happen a few days later.

And if I knew the last time we had sex was going to be the LAST time we had sex, it would have been a lot different.

It's smells that really get to me. They say that smell is the strongest trigger of memory, and I really believe it. I was in the mall the other day, and something smelled like Fred's old apartment in Cleveland. I couldn't stop smelling it, and with that came a whole flood of memories. The bear that still wears his cologne is sitting on the floor, and I must be a glutten for punishment, because it makes me happy to smell it once in a while. Even the smell of autumn leaves reminds me of him.

Things will be hard for a while, no matter what happens. And something's going to happen soon.

And one last thought...

Why is it that when a woman is hopelessly devoted to a man, even if he doesn't deserve it, it's seen as wrong. But if a man is hopelessly dovoted to a woman who doesn't deserve it, it's seen as romantic, and that he's truly in love with her.

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